


To Find What Had Been Hidden Inside

by Mr_johnnie



Category: GOT7
Genre: Anxiety, Death, Gen, Jaebum as psychiatrist, Kim Yugyeom-centric, M/M, References to Depression, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-20 21:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12442374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_johnnie/pseuds/Mr_johnnie
Summary: You are who you are because of what happened to you in life, good or bad, and you need to make the best of it because you can’t change the past. What you can do though is accept what happened and make the best out of it. The thing is though that most of the time running away is a lot easier than facing the truth.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> !Please be aware that English isn't my native language!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends who have read this said it was pretty dark and therefore kind of draining and I can understand why.  
> I've written this during a time I wasn't feeling to well and it shows in this story.  
> I don't know how to tag this correctly and not spoil anything so I choose not to do it.  
> So please, keep that in mind if you are sensitive to certain (depressing) things and thoughts.

 

 

 

„Shhh, you need to stop crying baby,” a young mother whispered, desperately trying to calm down her crying child. The small boy was safe and sound in her arms, while she was constantly rocking him back and forth in her arm hoping to somehow calm him down and get him to stop. The boy didn't move, didn't trash in her hold anymore, but she could still feel him shake as he continued to cry. She was so worried, she couldn't help, but shed some tears of her own. _What had she done?_ , was the only thing going through her head or better, _What had the poor boy done to deserve this? To deserve her?_. Tears were streaming down her own face, but she knew she needed to be strong and so she tried to suppress her own emotions.

 

Instead, she continued stroking the small boys head and kept mumbling, “Shh, you're such a good boy, don't cry. Everything's going to be fine.” Unfortunately, she wasn't even sure of that herself, but kept on trying to convince him nonetheless. Nothing helped though and the boy just continued while his sons started to get louder. Her heart was tearing apart with each sob that was wrecking through the small boys body. She wanted to keep him safe, she really wanted to, but what could she do? She was so helpless herself.

 

As she heard a door suddenly slamming shut, she knew she needed to do something now or the consequences would be horrendous. So she pressed her hand on his mouth, careful to let his nose uncovered so that he could still breath. “Sweetheart, you need to be quiet for mum, okay? You hear me? Just this once,” she whispered in his ear, badly hoping that _he_ wouldn’t hear them.

 

The boy though didn't understand what was going on, didn't know what was _good for him_ and only started to panic even more. He grabbed her hands with his small wobbly fingers desperately trying to get rid of them. He felt like suffocating. She tried so hard to hold him down, to keep him quiet, but he wasn't listening to her. “Stop. Mama loves you so much. She doesn't want to hurt you, _him_ to hurt you. So please just be quiet,” she tried, tears collecting in her eyes. All she wanted was to help. Why couldn't he understand that and just listen?

 

“Can't that damn child shut up for fucking once!” a different voice behind the door interfered now, putting both of them into another stage of fright. The next second the door pulled open with a bang and the room immediately turned silent.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been working on this forever now trying again and again to get it to perfection, realising it will never really be what I had in mind, because I don’t have the time and patience to go over it as much as I would have to and finally I realised it’s okay. I should leave it as it is now and share it, hoping that some of you might enjoy it


	2. 27th Week

 

 

 

“How are you doing today, Yugyeom?” Jaebum asked him just like he would always do when met. Yugyeom by now had often thought about this question and yet still didn't know what to answer once he faced it. In the beginning he had just said _'good'_ for the sake of it, but Jaebum had quickly busted it as a lie and asked him to rather say nothing if he didn't really mean it. Ever since, the younger had kept his mouth shut when asked again and Jaebum never forced him to say anything.

 

Yugyeom had taken Jaebum’s words to heart, more than he would have liked to. Ever since, he couldn’t even say he “he was fine”, because he wasn’t and he couldn’t lie anymore to himself. He wished he could finally say that he was fine. He tried telling himself that he was fine, maybe he was just too harsh with himself. Though as long as he wasn't fully convinced he rather said nothing. Jaebum would only expose his lie, he couldn't be fooled.

 

They had met for several weeks already and Yugyeom liked to refer to their appointments as _”meetings”_ just because it made him more comfortable. He still wasn't too sure if it had been a wise decision to start these sessions with Jaebum. He hadn't really come on his own free will. Yugyeom had been asked to do this, to give it a chance and after enough persuading he finally complied. Until now he hadn't regretted it, but wasn’t fully convinced yet as well. He liked Jaebum, that was at least one good thing, even though he regretted meeting under such circumstances.

 

Now they meet every Thursday at exactly 4 pm in Jaebum's office and no matter how much Yugyeom tried to tell himself that it was just some kind of meeting between acquaintances, he couldn't look past the fact that Jaebum was his psychiatrist. The room alone was a constant reminder of that. The worst thing was the typical psychiatrist couch he was sitting on. Jaebum was seated next to him in a comfortable armchair. This was the more casual section of the room. In front of them were Jaebum’s large wooden desk stacked with papers and equipped with two chairs in front of it. It looked like some doctor’s office.

 

Luckily Yugyeom had never sat there, he didn’t need this to feel anymore stiff than it already was. That was also why never decided to lay down on the couch. It just made him feel extremely uncomfortable. So he rather sat on it. Sometimes he would entangle his legs on top of it or he would sit cross legged there to feel at least a bit more relaxed. When he first had done that he was a bit worried if it was even alright to be so casual, but Jaebum never said anything and just let him do as he liked.

 

“Did you do anything special this week?” Jaebum asked when he didn't receive an answer, stopping Yugyeom's train of thoughts from drifting too far away like they usually did. By now Yugyeom was used to that question as well. The other was rather persisting with these questions, but he never forced an answer from the younger though, as long as Yugyeom wasn't ready at least.

 

Until now though, Yugyeom hadn't shared a lot. He just didn't feel comfortable to do so, he was too aware of how Jaebum would weigh each and every word that passed his lips and the possibility to say something wrong frightened him. What if he would leave a wrong impression on the older? He didn't want to be judged and yet he knew that was Jaebum's job after all.

 

“Not really,” Yugyeom finally answered shortly before his gaze left Jaebum and he inspected the large bookshelf at the other side. He wondered if Jaebum actually needed all these books or if they were just there for the atmosphere of the room. Either way they were here and somehow the sheer mass of books intimidated him.

 

Jaebum was scribbling something down as he caught Yugyeom’s attention again. During their first meeting the older had constantly done that, which kind of unsettled and annoyed Yugyeom. At the end of the session he asked him what he could possible scribble down for over half an hour and Jaebum hadn't made it a secret that most of the time these were just unnecessary notes, because the scribbling was a constant sound that helped some keeping calm, but he tended to write down keywords to remembered everything he needed. Hearing that had made Yugyeom like Jaebum immediately, he was an honest person.

 

“Did anything happen?” Jaebum continued and Yugyeom paid him his full attention again. He was unsure if he should share some of his worries of course he had them and he knew Jaebum was aware of that as well. Why else would he be here? Yugyeom quickly dismissed the thought though because these were just some minor problems he currently had. He could handle them himself very well.

 

“I started reading the book you gave me,” Yugyeom offered instead. He didn't want to seem like a stubborn child ignoring every question asked from his parent, even though he knew that was exactly how he behaved. There was just really nothing happening in his life. His daily routine had become completely monotone, sleep, eat, work, eat some more, read or get lost in thoughts, before he went to catch some sleep again. That was it. There was just nothing more to do. He had already mentioned that once and Jaebum still continued his questions, but Yugyeom didn't mind that all too much. He just didn't pay them that much attention anymore, at least for as long as his answer didn't change. “It's interesting, hard to put away and yet I feel like I don't even understand half of it,” he continued to stop his own thoughts this time.

 

Jaebum let him finish, waited if he had more to offer on his own and only when Yugyeom's gaze settled back onto the coffee table he tried to get more from the younger. “It's a bit confusing in the beginning-” he stopped immediately as Yugyeom spoke up again, “I feel dumb for not getting what is going on until now. Are both parts reality? Is he just dreaming and if so what does his dream tell me and most importantly why don't I get it?” Yugyeom was clearly attached to the story, he didn't even know why, but he longed to find out what exactly had happened.

 

Yugyeom guessed he was so desperate because he spent most of the last week reading. It was almost all he had been doing. He read every chapter twice so far just because he feared he had missed something important. At times it became quite frustrating, he felt honestly stupid, but was nonetheless intrigued and hoped the _Ah!- moment_ would quickly come. “It upsets me though how he had to leave his shadow behind,” Yugyeom continued as he retrieved his long legs onto the couch to sit down cross-legged. “Isn't it part of himself? How could he leave it behind without a care?”

 

The confusion in his voice was more than evident and Jaebum knew there was more to it. It had been one of the few things Yugyeom gave away in some time. The older was glad that he did give away a few things from time to time, it was at least something he could start working with. Yet, he was a bit afraid to force him out of his comfort zone. Jaebum had already learned how sensitive Yugyeom was during one of their first session where he tried forcing him into a corner and Yugyeom answered with fleeing from the room. It was something he from then on wanted to avoid.

 

“Sometimes you need to leave things behind to continue on.” This had no connection to the book anymore and both of them knew that, but like usual no one voiced it out. Unlike Jaebum had hoped though, Yugyeom took his answer to retreat into his little shell again, telling Jaebum that is was enough for today and Jaebum knew he had no other choice, but to go along with his request.

 

Just like Jaebum started the session with one and the same questions, he ended it with another one that he repeated every time. “Are you ready to talk about it?” There was a specific reason Yugyeom was here. It was the huge elephant in the middle of the room no one mentioned. Unlike his answer for the first question Yugyeom was sure of his answer here. “No.” With that he stood up, slightly bowed to Jaebum and left the room without another word.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When Yugyeom woke up, everything was pitch black. He couldn't even see his own hand in front of him and for a second he didn't even realise where exactly he was because he knew for sure there was supposed to be a window over his bed, but it was so dark Yugyeom couldn't be too sure if the moon was just not strongly illuminated tonight or if the window was actually gone.

 

Confused he rose and planted both his feet on the soft carpet on the ground to sit up. Still sleepy and disoriented he felt his head spin as he heaved his body up a bit too fast. Carefully he let his head rest in his hands, closed his eyes and let the feeling pass him.

 

Yugyeom wondered when he could finally sleep through a night in peace again. These weeks he had not once been able to sleep through for at least one night. These last nights he would always wake up either from nightmares, or just from a weird, uneasy feeling. The insomnia did not only affect his mood, but also his concentration and some days it was hard to even get through the day due to it.

 

Suddenly, hushed voices disturbed his thoughts and Yugyeom's eyes shot instantly open again. No one was supposed to be here. Immediately his sense were on high alert, the fear prickled underneath his skin and his ears perked up. He wanted to get up and investigate, but stopped for a second as he imagined the possibilities of what he could find.

 

The thought of a two burglars crossed his mind and he knew if that was the case he had no chance against them. But he knew he needed to do something even if he would just hide or blockade the door. Carefully and slowly Yugyeom finally stood up and ventured over to the door on his left. As he reached it he crouched down and leaned against it. Yugyeom was tall, he might be able to keep it closed, at least that's what he hoped for.

 

Just as he thought about possible things to put in front of the door, he heard the voices again. Suddenly he felt like recognizing them. He still wasn’t exactly sure who they were, but was certain they were no threat because if he had heard correctly it was the voice of a mother and a small child.

 

“Shh, you need to be quiet,” the mother seemed to say. Yugyeom was struck with fear, he couldn't move and as his gaze flickered through the room he was shocked about what he found. It was suddenly not as dark anymore and he vaguely recognized some posters on the wall, a little truck on the ground right next to the bed, a bigger puzzle and some larger teddy bears all scattered through the room. It was the room of a child, but how did he manage to be here Yugyeom suddenly wondered.

 

“Mum,” it was the voice of a young boy and Yugyeom wondered if it was his room he was currently in. He didn't say anything else and neither did the mum, so it was quiet again.

 

Now that Yugyeom knew they were no threat he was moreover curious. He wanted to know why he was here, what had happened and who they were, so he finally stood up and faced the still closed door. His hand hovered over the handle, but something still kept him from pushing it open. He didn't know what it was, but deep in his guts he knew he shouldn't investigate and maybe just go back to sleep?

 

Before he could think more about it, Yugyeom decided to just do it and pulled the handle down. Just as he opened the door, a loud shriek from the woman sounded throughout the whole apartment and Yugyeom immediately let go of the already opened door to clutch his own ears.

 

His eyes shut open and Yugyeom found himself back on his own bed in his own room. His breath was irregular and he felt small droplets of sweat on his forehead. _It was just a dream_ , he told himself over and over again as he tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. He sat upright, the cover thrown away and the cold night air hitting his naked back, which helped him regulate his breathing again. Yugyeom quickly let his gaze wander through the room and found everything as it was supposed to be which helped him calming down as well.

 

After a few minutes he lied back down, the sweat droplets now running down his back. Sleep was long forgotten as various thoughts invaded his mind and he wasn’t sure what was worse the dream he had had just now or the reality he was in.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the part with the book wasn't too confusing  
> this wasn't that important I just wanted to show how invested and self conscious he was.


	3. 28th Week

 

 

 

Yugyeom could faintly hear Jaebum's voice. Instead of paying attention to what he was saying, he was distracted by his own thoughts. They were running a mile per hour, making it hard for him to even grasp one, but they were all about the same topic. He was still thinking about the dream he had a few nights ago. Ever since that night it hadn't left his mind, kept him awake during the night and distracted during the day. Other had even asked him if he was alright because he recently spaced out so much.

 

He was alright though, he was completely fine except for the recent lack of sleep. Still, he couldn't let go of that dream. Yugyeom just felt like he was missing something. It was even worse, he felt as if someone was keeping something from him on purpose. Like someone was directly at fault for the missing information and was probably making fun of him behind his back. That was a weird thought, he knew that himself. One he never voiced out aloud because he was well aware that people would just think he was delusional and would probably label it as persecution complex, but this feeling kept on haunting him.

 

The more he thought about the dream, remembered the voices and emotion, the more familiar those voices seemed, like he knew them from somewhere, but the question was from where? Whenever he thought about it though, nothing came to his mind. No face, no name, no person, but Yugyeom knew he had to know them from somewhere. He had dreamed of it several times now and it were always the exact same voices. That couldn't be by chance, there had to be a meaning to this and it left him restless that he couldn’t figure out something so simple.

 

Usually his mind just came up with stupid unrealistic nightmares, which were nonetheless just as terrifying the moment he emerged into them, but they mostly consisted of him being chased by some weird, most of the time even non-identical monsters. Sometimes there was nothing visibly after him, but the mere thought of knowing something was chasing him left him panting and out of breath as he ran away from this invisible threat.

 

This dream was different though. He had been afraid at first, but once he heard the voices more clearly and got to know it was just a mother and her kid there was nothing death threatening about it anymore. So why couldn't he just forget it. The only weird thing about this dream was the scream at the end that kept on reappearing in his dreams, which was probably partly Yugyeom's fault though, it was after all everything he kept thinking about during the day.

 

Only a few days have passed and Yugyeom had dreamed about the same occasion three times so far. The more he relived these dreams and thought about them, the more unrealistic it seemed though, which in the afterthought left him a lot less frightened. Instead, it all seemed rather surreal. Still, he couldn't let go of it, nor could he dismiss the shudder crawling down his spine, when he remembered this horrible screeching scream.

 

“Yugyeom? Are you listening?” Jaebum called out to him a bit more stern than usually. Said boy awoke from his trance and looked questioningly at the other as if he had just called for him for the first and not the hundredths one. “Are you okay? You seem a bit out of it today,” the older continued. Jaebum leaned back in his armchair more at ease, now that he finally had gotten his attention and swirled the pen in his hand, which immediately caught Yugyeom's attention.

 

He wasn't sure how to answer that question. As Yugyeom thought about how to answer the other his eyes settled on the swirling pen between Jaebum’s fingers and the next moment his train of thought was lost as his gaze continued to wander and this time settled on the window right behind the other. It was Autumn and the colourful leaves could be seen everywhere, one after another making its way to the ground, giving up for this year to make place for new ones in the next.

 

“What keeps you so distracted?” Jaebum asked once again more calmly. This time Yugyeom heard him the first time and averted his eyes right back at him to pay him the deserved respect. Jaebum had stopped spinning the pen and now it was neatly placed on the coffee table alongside the clipboard he hadn't used today anyway, Yugyeom noted as he saw the complete blank sheet.

 

As Yugyeom watched him carefully, he noted how tense the other seemed. Jaebum sat upright in his armchair as if he was ready to jump out of it any given moment. Yugyeom couldn't even begin to guess why though, but he wondered if it was maybe because of him? The older seemed more tense than Yugyeom himself and he was the one with the nightmares and problems. If that was actually the case, he wondered if it was his fault, if Jaebum always got so attached to his patients. That must be rather troublesome for him, mustn't it?

 

Unlike Jaebum, Yugyeom was no expert on other people's behaviour, but he easily noticed things. Jaebum definitely got affected by Yugyeom's moods, he had noticed that before already, and he wasn't sure if that was part of the therapy or if that was just Jaebum's individual humane side shining through. Maybe that was the reason why Yugyeom actually liked him so much, even though he detested his job with great passion. He just didn't like people judging, almost evaluating him, no matter if that was their job which they had even studied for.

 

To work against Jaebum's tense stance Yugyeom leaned forward, placed his elbows on his knees and let his head rest on his hands before he finally gave in and answered, “Nightmares.” Immediately he could see relief wash over Jaebum as he loosened up and let his posture slightly slack. “They keep me awake during the night,” Yugyeom continued on purpose not mentioning the specific dream and rather making it about his normal everyday nightmares.

 

Jaebum gave him another minute in case he wanted to add anything himself, but as he didn't he probed into it some more. “What exactly do you dream of?” Yugyeom carefully thought about his next step. It was out of question for him to tell Jaebum about the actual dream that kept him awake, not until he knew himself what it meant. Though, he did feel kind of bad for never answering anything. For a strange reason he felt like letting down a friend who was just worried about him and more than once had Yugyeom wondered if that was Jaebum's strategy. His way of making his patience trust him, because if so then it most definitely worked. That didn't lead Yugyeom into believing that he could tell him everything, but he also didn't want to dismiss every one of his attempts as well.

 

“Nothing unusual. Swimming in the deep blue ocean followed by a great white shark, maybe he wasn't white though… I am not sure anymore.” That wasn't entirely a lie, Yugyeom reassured himself, that had been his last dream before _they_ had started. “I was in a labyrinth once and couldn't find my way out. I was trapped.” That one was only partly a lie, since he needed to at least say something. He labelled it as white lie, that was okay.

 

It wasn't that he didn't trust Jaebum, because for some really strange reason he did trust him. Yugyeom hadn't been sure in the beginning, but after he had gotten to know the older during their first month he had actually started to like him. In the beginning, back when Yugyeom hadn’t said anything, Jaebum often tended to tell him stories from himself such as friends and so just to have some kind of conversation. Not that Yugyeom was a lot better now, but he tries to be at least a bit more open.

 

Now that he actually thought about it Jaebum might also be one of the few persons he currently really trusted which seemed even more strange. Then again one should be able to trust his psychiatrist right? If not him, than who else should he put his trust into and until now Jaebum had not once let him down. That was also what left him afraid of how Jaebum might react once he might have a chance to dig deeper. What if he would be disgusted by him. Yugyeom was afraid of that. Not only afraid of what Jaebum would then think of him, but also what he himself would be confronted with. The uncertainty of what he would have to face and how he would react himself scared him just as much.

 

“Anything else?” Jaebum asked carefully, and received an immediate answer from Yugyeom, “No.” To Yugyeom's surprise the other didn't seem disappointed at all. He smiled at him, even though Yugyeom was sure he knew he was keeping something from him. He had a feeling Jaebum somehow always knew when he did that, he was just that good. Sometimes Yugyeom wished Jaebum would be a complete idiot, whom he could easily fool. Than he wouldn't have to sit through all this and would have just left after the first month or so, but with Jaebum was different, he did care and therefore Yugyeom cared as well, to some extent at least.

 

Once again, Yugyeom was distracted and watched a small bird land outside the window. He loved birds, had wanted one as kid, but his mother had said animals shouldn't be put into cages, that would just drive them insane and now that he was older he couldn't agree more. Yet, he currently did exactly that to himself. He had caged himself up, not only mentally and emotionally but also literally.

 

“Yugyeom?” Jaebum called out , like he had done several times today. It really wasn't Yugyeom's forte today, he hadn't been so inattentive before and he actually felt bad for the other. “Sorry I-” but he stopped as he saw Jaebum still smiling at him, patiently waiting for his attention again.

 

“Are there other things keeping you awake? Thoughts? Or worries?” Jaebum asked when he knew he had Yugyeom's full attention again. Yugyeom had a lot of thoughts running through his mind, he wouldn't deny that, but none he could currently share with the older. “I guess it's kind of everything.”

 

Jaebum only nodded, got his clipboard and pen, and offered both to him. Yugyeom slowly took the larger one of the offered item, even though he had no idea yet for what he would need it, but hesitated with the pen. “Write them down, visualize them. I don't want to see what you write down. You can take the papers with you or shred them right here, but note them down, sort them out while visualizing them.”

 

Yugyeom liked the idea, he should have done this earlier. Maybe like this he might see what he was missing in this whole puzzle. Jaebum had the pen still in his hold and still offered it to him, but Yugyeom didn't take it. He rather stood up and took a one from Jaebum's desk, where he knew he had a whole collection waiting, knowing Jaebum wouldn't really mind that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The human body needs sleep, to rest and recharge. Yugyeom desperately needed some sleep. It was already dark outside and in his room, yet, he still wasn't ready to lay down and fall asleep. Instead, he sat upright, cross-legged on his bed and desperately tried to concentrate on anything that could keep him awake, but that damn human craving couldn't be defeated. His body was sending out thousand of signals to his body to do what he needed but he himself didn't want, to finally rest and sleep.

 

His hands were formed to fists and lightly hitting against his own thighs, just because they needed to move somehow. Yugyeom was so sensitive right now he heard things that weren't even there. Like a radio that was currently playing in the background, when in reality he didn't even own such a device. Was it from his neighbour? Had his ears become that good?

 

It was like a weird sensation, being so alert for nothing, but Yugyeom knew exactly why he was feeling like this. During these last days he had desperately tried to stay awake and drank as much coffee as he could throughout the whole day. He had several attacks with his heart rapidly beating due to that and returned to water once they set in, but only until the sleepiness returned.

 

He didn't want to sleep, he had done so and every time the same dream happened again and again. He would wake up in the child's room and hear the hushed voices again. Everything repeated itself until the very moment of the scream, that was when Yugyeom would shot awake drenched in sweat and stuck with fear.

 

It was the exact same dream every time, but somehow they've managed to become more terrifying. For once the room had changed and instead of your normal kid's stuff, everything seemed to be taken out of some weird horror movie. There were still toys, but the more he had these dream the older and more faded they seemed. The wallpaper had come off at several places and Yugyeom couldn't be too sure, but he swore he even saw a mouse or rat once. Nothing remembered him of the nice play room this once was supposed to be. He for certain wouldn't have want to spent his childhood in such a weird place.

 

The other strange thing was that the conversation of the mother and her child at the other side of the door had become longer as well. She didn't just mumble something, Yugyeom actually understood what she was telling her kid now. The first time he understood her she only whispered sweet words to her son to calm the crying kid down. It was a kind and heartwarming act.

 

Recently though what she said had become a bit disturbing. It had started with small things where she threatened her child to smack it if it wouldn't finally stop. This alone told him things had changed, this was different. Her words didn't even sound worried anymore, instead it seemed as if she had become the devil herself.

 

It had already been surreal before, but now it seemed just like a badly produced horror movie with the way her voice seemed to be contorted. Nothing reminded him of the dream that had gotten the ball rolling. They much rather reminded him of the nonsense nightmares he had had before. Due to that he also didn't feel all that bad anymore about lying to Jaebum, his words were closer to the truth than he had actually wanted them to be now.

 

Speaking of Jaebum, these last days it had become even harder for Yugyeom to fight the drowsiness overcoming him and he desperately wanted to give in to the need of sleep even if it was only for a few hours or even just minutes. Every time that happened though, he had to went through the whole horror show again and he wanted it to stop, needed it to be finally over. He just couldn't continue this anymore. His last hope was the other male, maybe he could prescribe him something to help Yugyeom stay awake. He would definitely ask him the next time they'll met.

 

 

 


	4. 29th Week

 

 

 

Black, a deep, sombre black was that stupid beverage in front of him. It was supposed to keep him awake, yet it reminded him more of the night he currently feared so much. How could there even exist a drink so dark, or did it just portray Yugyeom's deepest fears? He wasn't afraid of the dark though, only to fall asleep. He wouldn't even go as far as to call it a fear and rather just an unpleasant experience he kind of knew how to prevent and that was what he was currently doing at all costs.

 

“Yugyeom? Yugyeom!?” Jaebum called out for him just as the younger tried to inflict some damage to the cup and its content with his deadly stare. Yugyeom had heard him and averted his gaze from the cup to indicate that the older now received his full attention, though Yugyeom couldn't really promise for how long that would be. “You seem upset, did something happen? I've never seen you like this. If I might speak frankly” Jaebum asked him sounding a bit worried.

 

Upset wasn't the right definition, Yugyeom thought, but it was close. He was irritated, annoyed and hated to not be able to live a normal life. This dream was affecting him way too much and he hated himself for letting it get this far. To be honest though he seemed to currently have a strong dislike against everything, especially against the disgusting beverage in front of him.

 

Usually Yugyeom tended to not drink anything while he was here, even though he had recently come to know the advantage of having something to drink during the sessions. He didn't need to ignore Jaebum's question and let them, unanswered, awkwardly fly through the room. He could just take a sip and indicate with that: _I am not going to answer you that question, thank you very much_ and that was exactly what he did.

 

“Since when do you even like coffee? You always only asked for hot chocolate before,” Jaebum continued as he didn't get an answer to his first question. For a short second Yugyeom was surprised that he had actually remembered that. The younger had only asked for that the first time he was here. When Jaebum still didn't have anything except tea and coffee. Later on he had decided he didn't want anything to drink even though Jaebum had brought some cacao especially for him after that. Now it stood next to his desk, untouched and Jaebum never failed to ask him if maybe today he would like some, though the younger always declined.

 

After some minutes, because his sleep-driven brain was currently slow like that, Yugyeom remembered that realizing certain things and analysing them was Jaebum's job after all and the excitement vanished quickly again. “I don't, I hate it,” Yugyeom offered as honest answer and he wanted to add more, because he knew what Jaebum would ask, but his brain wasn't quick enough with forming the desired sentence as Jaebum beat him to it. “Then why do you drink it?”

 

Yugyeom adjusted his hateful gaze from the coffee to Jaebum. _Couldn't he wait one fucking second? I would have answered that any given moment_. Jaebum was usually so calm and gave him always enough time for everything. So why not today? For a second, Yugyeom actually wanted to protest and be that stubborn child that would not say anything, leave him hanging, but then he remembered that he actually wanted something from Jaebum and quickly stopped his little inner rant.

 

The other seemed surprised about his sudden display of such, for him, extreme emotion, but waited this time patiently for him to say anything further. “I can't fall asleep,” Yugyeom mumbled as his gaze settled on to the plants in the corner behind Jaebum. He wanted to look at anything as long as he didn't need to meet gazes with Jaebum directly. Yugyeom had never asked anything of him and he didn't know how the other would react.

 

“I am sorry could you repeat that? I couldn't hear-”. “I said I can't fall asleep,” Yugyeom answered this time a lot louder. He actually couldn't read Jaebum's current mood, but it didn't seem too out of place or shocked which calmed Yugyeom down a lot. Had he already mentioned that he actually really liked Jaebum?

 

This time Yugyeom was faster and for once continued on his own, “I still have nightmares and I can't fall asleep.” He didn't want to see the reaction to that. Yugyeom felt pathetic, like a small kid that confessed it had wet his bed. If he would have looked he thought, would have only seen a concerned, if not even worried, expression on the other as he dug deeper. “Are these the same dreams you had last weeks?”

 

Yugyeom just nodded not feeling like talking past the lump in his throat. It was quiet for a short time and that left Yugyeom with nothing to concentrate on any more, and he quickly lost the fight he had the whole time, let his eyes fall close and his consciousness slip. As Jaebum voiced out his next question he was on high alert again though as if someone had just pumped a whole dose of caffeine in his system. “It was only one dream right? It's always the same one, isn't it Yugyeom?”

 

He should have known that he wasn't a good liar, had never been one. Even as kid this had often gotten him in trouble with his parents. He felt embarrassingly busted and a whole lot of uncomfortable because of that, but all that didn't mean he wanted to talk with Jaebum. At least not about his current problem. It was probably the lack of sleep, but his uncomfortableness quickly turned into annoyance and impatience.

 

“Don't,” he immediately warned, letting Jaebum know that this was enough and continued with something different. “I just wanted to ask if it's possible to get caffeine pills or something else to keep me awake.” From Jaebum's mimic Yugyeom could tell that this wasn't the case or at least he didn't want to do that. “Yugyeom, you don't seem too good. If I could I would actually like to give you the exact opposite,” Jaebum offered, for what he immediately received a disapproving and alarmed shake of Yugyeom's head.

 

“If this keeps you awake as much as it does then there is obviously more to it than just a plain nightmare I won’t force you to talk about it, but it won't help you if you keep running from it. Yugyeom eventually you need to face it.” Jaebum never talked in riddles and was always rather upfront.

 

As Yugyeom finally looked at the other he saw the concern on his face, which made him feel rather unpleasant. “When was the last time you actually slept?” he asked, careful as if he might scare Yugyeom away- but Yugyeom wasn't even sure when that was. Had it been a day or more? Did he mean sleep through the whole night? Or just some hours?

 

As the confusion was openly displayed on his features, Jaebum decided to dismiss the question. Instead, he randomly started to quietly hum a tune. Yugyeom, who was still deeply lost in thoughts, didn't even notice it at first, but he felt his consciousness slip again. As he continued thinking about what exactly was even defined as sleeping, the soft tune of an unfamiliar melody invaded his ears.

 

 

 

Two hours had passed and Yugyeom was still sound asleep on the couch Jaebum had put him on. The older had even managed to get a blanket to cover him with. Not only once did Jaebum catch himself smile at the younger who finally slept so peacefully even though he had been so afraid to do exactly that. He wondered though, how long he had been deprived of proper sleep if it had only taken some calming tune for him to immediately knock out.

 

As Jaebum took care of some documents he needed to work on anyway, he heard Yugyeom move for the first time. He didn't think much of it at first, but as it continued and Yugyeom wouldn't just find a new position to sleep, he walked over to the younger and realised that he must have another one of his nightmares. Droplets of sweat had formed on his forehead and he was obviously uncomfortably trashing around.

 

To put an end to this, Jaebum started shaking him carefully, but firm enough to get his attention. He felt almost bad about waking him up. He knew the younger needed sleep now more than anything, but he couldn't let him suffer further. Chances were he still wasn't deep enough into the dream to completely remember it once he awoke.

 

“Yugyeom, Yugyeom wake up,” Jaebum repeated over and over and with a sudden starlet the younger finally did. His upper body shot up and he seemed a bit disoriented at first as he kept on looking through the room to identify where exactly he was. “Hey, it's okay it's over. It was just a dream,” Jaebum continued trying to soothe him and wanted to place his hand on his shoulder to rub over it in a calming manner.

 

As he moved his hand towards him, Yugyeom suddenly seemed even more terrified and almost fell backwards from the couch, as he tried to flee from his touch, making Jaebum step back to give him some space. It was only now that Jaebum realised the severity of Yugyeom's nightmares.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yugyeom clearly remembered that today was a Friday. It had been a particularly hard one too, because after the incident with Jaebum he feared falling asleep even more. He couldn't do without any sleep at all though, his body just wouldn't function he was very well aware of that as well. So Yugyeom tried to get an hour or two of rest, but nothing more. These short amounts would at least prevent him from actually dreaming. It wasn't that easy though and often he couldn't help, but to fall right back asleep, only to be awoken by the same nightmare once again.

 

Jaebum had given him some pills, just a few, and asked him to take them in order to sleep better through. Of course, chances were Yugyeom wouldn't take them. Yet, Jaebum seemed to hope he would give in and at least try them, maybe? If Yugyeom was honest he thought they would only worsen his situation. He was too afraid they would only aggravate his nightmare-situation. What if with these pills he wouldn't wake up and instead had to witness and endure even more of this. Then again there was something telling him to give it a try, to do the older a favour. He didn't want to disappoint him and trusted Jaebum. Because of that Yugyeom had decided to give it a try and take one today.

 

It wasn't hard to fall asleep, Yugyeom was tired 24/7. It was moreover the act of staying asleep without nightmares that was the actual hard part. Maybe the pills would actually help him with that today. Nevermind the small voice in his head telling him that this was only false hope and as it seemed, unfortunately, the voice had been right. He had laid down, closed his eyes, ready to let the drowsiness came over him and the next thing he knew, he was gone.

 

Yugyeom needed to repeat all this in his mind to remind himself that it was just a dream, because it all seemed too real already. It was bright daylight, the sun still high in the sky and birds and humans alike loudly chatting with each other. He was standing on a street, not a busy one obviously, rather one you would find in a small suburb. The view was clear, there was no car around. It was peaceful. Still, he couldn't let go of the uneasy feeling that told him something was wrong here. What if Jaebum's pills weren't actually sleeping pills, but something else (He didn't want to imagine what else he could have taken. Then again he didn't really think Jaebum would prescribe him anything shady...)

 

It was finally a different dream though, never before had it started like this. This wasn’t one of his usual nightmares It was so quiet and calm, way too peaceful. He didn't know what to think of that. It was too perfect and left him immediately on full alert as if anything might happen within the next second. An uneasy feeling settled within his stomach, he knew this couldn't be right or was Jaebum's medication actually this good? Could that be it?

 

Still confused about what exactly was going on, his thoughts were suddenly disturbed by children's laughter. Following the sound Yugyeom turned around to find a small playground to his right. Where there was a small girl with short brown locks going down the slide. As she reached the ground another girl with two blond pigtails followed her laughing and happily screaming. Intrigued by the two Yugyeom found himself unconsciously wandering towards the playground and away from the street until he stopped at a nearby bank to stand behind it, his eyes still glued to the playground ahead.

 

The two girls weren't doing anything special, they were just playing around, chasing each other down the slide and through the sand and, yet, their happiness and carefreeness was somehow contagious. A small smile had formed on his lips as the kids continued playing. The first time in what felt like months Yugyeom really felt at ease again, like nothing could harm him and everything had always been this nice.

 

Just as he let himself slump back on the bank there was a woman pacing towards the playground. Yugyeom wasn't too sure, but she seemed rather angry. He was immediately confused about what was happening, but figured she must be the mother of one of the girls and maybe was mad with them? But why? What had he missed?

 

Instead of going towards the girls on the slide though, she stopped way sooner at the beginning of the sandbox. There sitting on the ground was a small little boy playing on his own, apparently building small figures out of sand. A second later it was proven right that the woman was indeed mad as she yanked the boy rather forcefully upwards and screamed something at him. Yugyeom couldn't make out what exactly that was, it was as if his ears were cushioned with cotton or something. He just couldn't hear what exactly she was saying, but her face gave away that she was everything, but pleased.

 

The next moment the mother was heaving the boy away from the playground, which seemed to not sit well with the child who immediately started screaming and tossing. Everything seemed like a normal tantrum from a boisterous child and an annoyed mother trying to control him. Nothing was unusual, but suddenly it was like a switch had been turned within the woman and her arm raised to smack the child right across the cheek. Yugyeom was taken aback and made a small jump backwards as if he had been the one receiving the hit. He wasn't one to judge other's ways of disciplining their children, even though he was against physical discipline. If he knew them personally he would have interfered, but he couldn’t even grasp the whole situation, so he felt like it wasn’t really his place to step in.

 

Yugyeom was just about to retreat from the scene, in order to not have to witness whatever was coming after this, when things abruptly changed. What could have been described as light smack before, suddenly turned into full on blows from the woman. He couldn't see the boy, but he knew what she did there was wrong and that he now had to do something to stop her, to protect the small helpless boy.

 

Instinctively, he started screaming for her to stop, but as he opened his mouth nothing came out, no words were formed and he felt powerless like he was failing to help the kid, like this was suddenly his fault. He clutched his neck firmly with both hands as if that would somehow help his voice to return, but of course nothing happened. Distraught about his own helplessness he let himself fall to his knees. What was happening? What was wrong with him?

 

Suddenly the grass under him was losing it’s colour and turning brown and when Yugyeom looked up again all of them were gone. For a second everything was quiet and he thought the worst was over before an all too familiar shrill voice started screaming again. Like in all his previous dreams the voice was there again it had done in all his previous dreams. He couldn't tell where it was coming from even when it didn't stop. It was as if it was inside his very own head and it just wouldn't stop. Afraid and disturbed by all this Yugyeom didn't know what to do and let himself fall to the ground, curling into himself to try and protect himself by shutting everything out as he clutched his ears and closed his as if they couldn’t get to him like that.

 

 _Why was this happening again? Why wouldn’t this stop?_ Yugyeom wondered desperately. He felt like he was cursed, wondering what had he done to deserve this. Again and it again it came to haunt him and he was losing hope of any chance to stop this.

 

The moment he opened his eyes again Yugyeom found himself back in his dark room. He was breathing shallowly, his chest rising constantly in uneven patterns. Sweat was dripping down his forehead and he was left immobile. Images invaded his mind, different emotions overcame him, but it was all too much to make any of them out individually. It was such an onslaught that he couldn't even decipher anything clearly.

 

Breathing became harder by the second and even though he wanted to even out his breathing he couldn’t do it. Yugyeom felt like losing control over his own body. Not only that but his arms and legs started to become stiff. As tears started to collect in his eyes his vision began to blur. It was horrible, he felt like dying, like this was the end. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe properly and the last thing he remembered was that he started to scream at the top of his lunges.

 

 

 


End file.
